Reckless

  Why must we suffer? We search in vain for

  the key to this mystery, even as it consumes us.

  Avni of Yenişehir

  He who kills the monster inside him turns to dust.

  Hulki Dede

  Contents

  1 The Key

  2 The Dream

  3 Peace

  4 Yazıköy

  5 The Border

  6 The Debt

  7 The Shadow

  Glossary

  A Note on the Author

  A Note on the Translators

  1

  The Key

  Ziya locked the door. Without pausing to pocket the key, he hurried towards the lift. Something strange had happened to the corridor. Something with the lights. The yellow globes that should have lit his way illuminated only themselves, leaving the rest of the corridor in darkness.

  And the silence, it could turn a man to stone. But it did not last. Someone shattered it by slamming one of those brown steel doors on the ground floor. All Ziya could see was a shadow flying from one end of the corridor to the other, as fast as a peal of laughter, until this, too, was lost. And now, in the ill-lit stairwell, a child was howling. Then a woman, screaming blacker than the night. Then the maddening whine of a vacuum cleaner, moving this way and that, and the juddering of a distant drill. Behind the walls were other walls, and behind these were murmurings that now grew louder. With them came the sounds of the city, deeper and denser than the memories they conjured up, until the building was swaying not just to its own beat but absorbing, with every twist and turn, the pandemonium of the streets. He had never heard a noise like this, ever.

  By now Ziya had reached the lift. As the door opened, he stopped for some reason and, with a sudden turn of the head, took stock of the corridor and the stairwell. Staring straight into the sounds tumbling towards him from both these places, he caught glimpses of the plastic flowers hanging from each door. Seeing all this had the unexpected effect of darkening his gaze somewhat. It also turned his stomach. It was as if he could see right through to the heart of things, to the heavy swell of dirt and darkness that now threatened to engulf him. Best to move on. He jumped into the lift and went straight up to the nineteenth floor, and in no time he was ringing the bell at number 91. Here was another brown steel door, with an enormous spyhole and two locks, and the same plastic flowers hanging over it. From the delicate ribbon attached to one of their stems was an evil eye the size of a camel’s tongue. As he stood waiting for the door to open, he stared unblinking into that evil eye. He might have stayed there, transfixed, had the door not cracked open, to reveal Binnaz Hanım’s honey-eyed maid.

  ‘Good day,’ she said haughtily. ‘May I ask what you’re here for?’

  ‘I was hoping to return the key,’ Ziya replied.

  And he offered the girl the key.

  ‘Stop!’ cried the girl. She jumped back as if something had been thrown at her. ‘Stop! You can’t return that key to me. That’s just not done. You must return it to Binnaz Hanım personally.’

  ‘Fine,’ said Ziya. ‘Let me do that now.’

  He followed her down a corridor whose walls were covered in green tapestries and into a narrow chamber so airless he nearly choked. Beyond this was the living room.

  It was vast, and drenched with light. But what assaulted his eyes and his mind were the teetering mountains of furniture. Piles and piles of upholstered chairs, wherever you looked. Acquired from an antiques dealer, no doubt. The patterns varied, but they all had fat legs. Beside them stood ungainly coffee tables. They were adorned with embroidered tablecloths, on which stood forests of long-necked vases and glass bowls filled with baubles. The recesses of the walls were lined with shelves. In the left-hand corner, cardboard boxes. Amidst all this, and flanked by fluttering gilded curtains, was a gigantic wardrobe covered in lace. Running the full length of another wall was a second wardrobe, lurching over this sea of furniture like an overladen ship. The more Ziya looked at it, the more it seemed to recoil, and soon he could look at nothing else, while inside his ribcage he felt a stirring – something akin to a small, warm bird.

  The maid pointed at a chair near the window. ‘Wait here, please. I’ll go and get Binnaz Hanım.’

  Ziya walked over to the chair but instead of sitting down, he turned to the window. Hands on hips, he gazed sourly at the city below.

  It was cloaked in a mist that didn’t look like mist. Red smoke rose in veins from shadows clouded by the soiled music of despair. Glittering skyscrapers, forgotten courtyards and ramshackle marketplaces; shopping malls, ruins and factories; the enclaves of the rich and the slum dwellers’ muddy hills rolling off into the distance – there was more than despair here. Despair was merely the outer shell, beneath which lurked the deepest disarray: a bleak and fearsome stagnation, an absence. A rustling, muttering fog of noxious fumes. As they climbed from wall to window, window to wall, these fumes fell silent. As they flowed down avenues and side streets – snaking through crowded bus stops where the crowds were even thicker, filling up the city’s squares and intersections and great parks – they looked, from time to time, like ribbons of unfurling smoke. Amongst them flew pigeons, mouldy and tired, their wings dyed black by exhaust fumes. They would rise out of nowhere in a single mass, leaving a smudge of grey on the pale firmament as they dived back down into the crowds, skirting car horns here and there and spreading their wings only to tire of the sky’s infinities and return to the smoke. You might almost say they landed on it. Perched on them. Nudging their wings forward, they narrowed their unblinking eyes to stare blankly up at Ziya’s window. And just then it seemed to him as if their countless, aimless flights had left these birds with a gaze that carried the city’s stink. For a fleeting moment, he wondered if he might be imagining things. A wave of disquiet passed through him as he stared into the shadows he might have created for them. He leaned closer to the window, to put his illusions to the test. As fast as it had read his thoughts, a pigeon separated from the flock, tracing out a vast and blurry parabola to arrive level with the nineteenth floor. With wings beating feverishly against the glass, it perched on the sill. It cooed a few times, as if to assure Ziya it was real. Then it lifted its beak in the air, swelling up with such surprising speed that – even though he had seen it fly, heard its wings and was close enough to touch its feathers – Ziya again wondered if this pigeon could be real. Abandoning the window, he turned around to find himself face to face with Binnaz Hanım.

  She, too, could stare without blinking. Her face was flushed, very flushed. She was standing amongst the armchairs, and although he was in no doubt that she was there, in the flesh, she also gave the impression of being somewhere else. She had been watching him for a very long time, he decided. Watching him from some point in the distant past. Echoing forwards as well as backwards. Like a ghost. A huge old ghost. With huge red cheeks, no less. How to address such a creature? This Ziya could not begin to imagine. So he stood before her, shifting from foot to foot like a small child who was trying not to wet himself.

  He drew himself up to his full height. ‘I’ve come to return the key,’ he said crisply.

  ‘I know,’ his landlady purred.

  Already she was waddling over to the corner. Having lowered her great bulk into an armchair, she directed Ziya to another with an imperious wave.

  After dithering for a few moments, he obeyed her. It vexed him that he still hadn’t managed to hand over the key; he didn’t know what to do, so he just sat there, rubbing the arms of his chair.

  ‘There’s no rush,’ said Binnaz Hanım. She glared at him, but from the corner of her eye. ‘The piece of metal you call a key,’ she said finally, ‘is neither as small nor as simple as it first appears. You aren’t just giving me a key, after all. You’
re handing over an entire apartment.’

  ‘You’re right, but I fail to understand why it has taken me all day,’ said Ziya. ‘I’ve lost count of the files and documents I had to give your accountant, but for some reason he wouldn’t take the key.’

  With the calmest of smiles, Binnaz Hanım leaned back in her chair.

  ‘He wouldn’t because he couldn’t,’ she said. ‘It’s not his job to take the key. It’s mine.’

  Ziya said nothing. Or rather, he turned wearily to look out the window. He could not understand why a simple matter of returning a key had turned into this endless ceremony. The pigeon he’d been watching earlier was still there, still staring. There was a darkening warning in its beady eyes – and even in the colouring of its feathers, which seemed on the verge of changing into something else. Unnerved, Ziya turned back to Binnaz Hanım.

  She was calling for the maid. ‘What’s become of your manners, girl? Aren’t you going to offer anything to our guest?’

  At that same moment, the maid ran in carrying a coffee tray. Stopping in front of Ziya, she curtsied.

  He picked up a tiny cup embellished with blue flowers. ‘Thank you.’

  The maid responded with a solemn nod so perfectly measured that it seemed to take even its owner by surprise. For now she broke the mood with a smile. Though it would be more accurate to say that she stood in front of Ziya and stretched her lips. Those rose-petal lips – they opened and closed, wet and slippery with desire. And then she was off, this maid, leaving a lovely perfume in her wake as she darted between the armchairs, as dainty as a little bird, to take Binnaz Hanım her coffee. Standing before her mistress, she went back to playing the coquette, swaying her hips as she gazed impishly into Binnaz Hanım’s eyes. Her gaze had so much life in it that you could almost see it, flowing from one woman to the other. And even, somehow, holding up Binnaz Hanım’s cup. But now, all of a sudden, the tray was on the table, and this maid was fiddling with her hair in the armchair next to Binnaz Hanım. She seemed almost to be sighing. Almost, but not quite.

  Sulkily eyeing the maid, Binnaz Hanım slotted a cigarette between her lips. A moment later, she took it out again. ‘A light, my girl,’ she said curtly. ‘A light.’ The maid, unfazed, produced a garish lighter. As the flame shot up, she let out a little gasp so unsettling that Ziya fell back in his chair. Only by fixing his eyes on the ceiling was he able to regain his composure. Time seemed to stop. Or rather, it turned into cigarette smoke; it was nothing more than the smoke leaking from Binnaz Hanım’s mouth. Slowly Ziya lowered his head, as the girl leaned back to play with her hair again.

  Ziya, who had finished his coffee by now, gave her a pained look. What was he doing here? ‘I should just hand over the key and go,’ he thought. But he seemed incapable of movement. Every time he tried to stand up, something pushed him down again. A crushing weight, but not the sort you could measure. This was more like a spell, a trance, a gentle wave of fatigue casting the sort of net that never lets you go. Or rather, this was what Ziya was thinking while he sat there. But even as he surrendered to this force he could not see, he of course kept his eyes on Binnaz Hanım, and on her maid.

  And now, before his very eyes, a mist blew in from goodness knows where. It swirled around the room, sketching strange shapes as it rose to the ceiling, leaving tiny wisps of quivering smoke in its wake. It vanished into the shadows, rambled across walls, rose over the cabinet behind him, bounded from chair to chair, only to return as a shadow, settling on the tables and the carpets and Binnaz Hanım’s chair. She was still puffing on her cigarette, and now, when she exhaled, the fog grew thicker. Another puff, and it grew thicker still. She puffed again, and she vanished into the smoke, taking with her the maid and both their chairs. Now Ziya could see nothing but Binnaz Hanım’s fat fingers, glowing in her ring’s reflection. And, flitting here and there through the billowing smoke, the silhouette of a handsome young man. But it did not stay long, this silhouette. It had, perhaps, been sent from far away, in error. Ziya seized this moment to place the key on the table.

  As he rose to his feet, he said, ‘Please excuse me, but I have to go.’ His voice sounded odd, and unnecessarily loud.

  No sooner had he spoken than Binnaz Hanım parted the smoke like a curtain and stuck out her head. Slowly she opened her mouth, as if to speak, but she said nothing. She just fixed her tiny raisin eyes on him. His own eyes rested on her cheekbones, which were glistening with sweat, until suddenly, impatiently, she withdrew back into the smoke.

  In a distant voice, she said, ‘Where are you going?’

  ‘I’ve left the key on the table,’ said Ziya, turning back towards the wall of smoke. ‘Please take it, because I need to go.’

  This time, it was the maid who poked out her head; a plaintive look and she was gone again.

  For Ziya, this was the last straw. How could they have parted company, if no one had left? With a mounting sense of dread, he surveyed the room. He turned back to the wall of smoke, hoping for one last glimpse of Binnaz Hanım before he left, but he could see nothing, and all he could hear was an indistinct echo of voices rising and falling, until, without willing it, he leaned forward to listen.

  It was the maid. ‘Let’s drop it. Let him go if he wants,’ she said.

  ‘Absolutely not.’ This was Binnaz Hanım.

  ‘Why not, though?’ said the maid. ‘Tell me that, why don’t you? Why can’t we let him go?’

  Binnaz Hanım said nothing.

  Or, if she spoke, her words were lost in the smoke.

  Silence. First it was just inside the cloud, but then it radiated outwards. Ziya craned his neck, as if to watch it spread. Did he know what he was doing? When his eyes lit on the window, he saw the pigeon still perched there, staring at him urgently with its beady eyes. Its outline wasn’t as clear as before, though. Its colour was indistinct, too. Its long wait seemed to have worn it out. You could almost see time pressing down on it, for now it had begun to quake and blur, and even to shrink slightly. And that was why, if you just glanced at it, the bird looked more like a puff of smoke resting on the windowsill, or a pale patch of sky that had somehow drifted their way. And now, seeing Ziya’s eyes, it pecked at the glass a few times, this pigeon, and ruffled its wings. Was this its way of trying to tell him something? Ziya had hardly formed the question when the bird came hurtling inside, shattering the windowpane, and sending shards of glass flying in all directions. The bird flew right through the wreckage, screeching madly as it flapped across the room. After flying like this for some time, making ever-tighter circles around the chandeliers, it wheeled around to launch a vicious attack on the wall of smoke in the corner. And soon the bird had ripped the wall to shreds, and there before him were Binnaz Hanım and her maid. Who could say how long they had been gone?

  Binnaz Hanım, at least, stayed calm. Every now and then she cast a sidelong glance at the new arrival, smiling as wearily as if this bird was known to her and paid her daily visits. The maid, meanwhile, was racing around the room trying to catch it. In fact, she was going so fast that her slippers began to squeak and her flyaway hair to blur. She turned into a shadow with eyes that grew wider at the sight of scattered feathers and shattered glass. Blurring even more, she began to screech, too. ‘Hiiii. Hiiii!’ She was faster than a fever now. Faster still. And now she seemed to be in several different places at once. One shadow was darting around the glistening shards of glass; another was in the corner, leaping up to catch the pigeon in mid-flight. One shadow was lost in smoke, while another, anxiously panting for breath, was trying to push past his chair. You might almost think they were in the grip of some larger force here. As if there was some sort of monstrous puppeteer lurking unseen above them, making one maid and multiplying her, and binding each one to invisible threads. But no matter how they ran and lunged, or how ingenious their surprise attacks, none of these puppets could catch the pigeon. For the moment they touched it, the pigeon turned into a shadow. And all that while, the pigeon kept returning t
o the walls, of course, fluttering so wildly you might have thought it was trying to leave this world and enter another. For now, each time it hit against that wall of smoky shadows, the bird attacked it more viciously.

  And then it suddenly disappeared. Had it exhausted its reserves, perhaps? Run out of tricks? Whatever the reason, it had escaped its shadow. Or somehow, without anyone seeing, gone back out through the window. By some strange stroke of luck, the room was cleared of smoke. The maid took a few steps forward, her arms still upraised. Then she stopped, to mutter furiously. The pigeon’s departure had left a pigeon-shaped gap, which seemed in turn to upset the balance of the room and sap the maid’s strength. She staggered on for a while in the silence, and then she began to apply herself, most diligently, to sweeping up the glass.

  Binnaz Hanım turned back to Ziya. ‘Why are you leaving so soon?’

  ‘I just have to,’ said Ziya. ‘I have to go.’

  ‘Oh, but you cannot,’ replied Binnaz Hanım. She lifted her hand until it was level with his shoulder. ‘You cannot, absolutely cannot, leave. Because you still haven’t given me the key. On top of that there is a year’s worth of obligations to see to. Were you honestly planning to leave without saying two words? Saunter off, leaving everything hanging? You could never do such a thing to me. Of that I am sure. Please, sit down.’

  And so Ziya sat back down. He waited in hopeless silence, his eyes fixed on the coffee table, his hands clasped. It seemed to him just then that this was the first time he’d sat in this chair. Or, at least, he wondered if what he had just witnessed was real, or if his mind was playing tricks on him again. In search of an answer, he turned his head very slowly until he could see the maid. The girl was still on her knees clearing up the glass. She made a warm and delicate silhouette, as she crept steadily towards the foot of the window.

  ‘First let me explain this business of the key,’ Binnaz Hanım said. She paused to slip her tongue across her lower lip. ‘The last thing we want is for you to go off thinking we’re round the bend. In all honesty, I’m not entirely sure if something this personal can even be put into words. Can mere words have the power to bare a soul? That’s something else I can’t tell you. Enough hemming and hawing. Let’s start with the apartment block. You wouldn’t know this, Ziya Bey. But this apartment block did not come to me as a family bequest, and neither did it fall from the sky in a basket. It came to me by dint of my own hard work. Year after year of fighting tooth and nail. Imagine every dream I have ever held dear. Stack them all up like a pile of red handkerchiefs. From the earliest buddings of adolescence, I harnessed my every day, my every dream, to this project. I would gaze out at the city, at these streets alive with the music of playing children, and let myself dream. And each dream was bigger and better than the one before. Whichever way you look at it, this pile of metal and concrete we call an apartment block is nothing less than my youth. It’s all here, from start to finish. The time I wasted at drunken meals when I was still a pimply teenager; my voluptuous body, ripening and ripening, showing no shame, until, many years later, it was forced to retire to the corner of a draughty ruin of a home, wheezing and growing the first hints of a moustache – this is my dignity. I can’t explain any of this to tenants who come here to return the key. It’s not my way. But for some reason, when I saw you, I knew I had to tell you. After all, you’re my longest ever tenant, Ziya Bey. Did you know that?’