Shadowless

  SHADOWLESS

  BY THE SAME AUTHOR

  Reckless

  CONTENTS

  By the Same Author

  1

  2

  3

  4

  5

  6

  7

  8

  9

  10

  11

  12

  13

  14

  15

  16

  17

  18

  19

  20

  21

  22

  23

  24

  25

  26

  27

  28

  29

  30

  31

  32

  33

  34

  35

  36

  37

  38

  39

  40

  41

  42

  43

  44

  45

  46

  47

  Glossary

  A Note on the Author

  A Note on the Translators

  Also available by Hasan Ali Toptaş

  1

  The barber raised his scissors high in the air, as if to toast my health. ‘Do come in, sir,’ he said.

  His apprentice might have said the same thing, but his voice could not be heard; he just opened his mouth and closed it. He was circling the chair with little clipped steps, his eyes never leaving the barber. Whatever tune it was that he heard in his master’s clicking scissors, he seemed to be dancing to it. From time to time he glanced over at the men sitting in the corner. These were the spectators, no doubt: they were lost in the scene, and they said not a word as the scissors kept clicking.

  The clicking stopped. The customer staggered from the chair. The play had consumed him. He could barely find the strength to put on his coat. As he tipped the apprentice, he turned to the barber. ‘I’m still aching inside,’ he said. ‘I’m still not over it . . .’

  The barber said nothing; for a long time he just stood there, watching the man leave. He turned back to his customers. One shifted in his seat, as if to say that he was the next in line. The prayer beads swinging from his hand were as black as dungeons. But if this was a sign, the barber took no notice, or perhaps this was his way of letting it be known that no one danced in this establishment without his say-so. For now he turned to the man next to me, the one with the goatee. ‘You’re next,’ he said.

  ‘And so,’ I said to myself, ‘the next dance begins.’ The man stood up without a word and moved towards the chair. The apprentice stood ready with the towel. The barber stood over the counter, inspecting his razors, but now and again he glanced up at the mirror to size up the man with the goatee. His eyes glinted: something in them called to mind an executioner’s blade.

  ‘Which tells me this dance will be bloody,’ I said to myself. The prayer beads began to click, and there was fury in the way those little black dungeons hit against each other: their owner was a man who did not like being overlooked. The beads, not the scissors, were keeping the beat now, and they spoke of blood. All the dancers were at last in place. The man with the goatee sat waiting in the chair, bowed in silence, ready to be sacrificed. The barber had chosen his razor. The apprentice draped a white sheet around the man’s shoulders and pulled it down around his knees – to catch the blood, perhaps?

  A great silence descended.

  Until the barber said, ‘Why aren’t you talking, sir?’

  ‘What is there to say?’ I said. My voice was tense, for now I, too, had been pulled into this dance.

  ‘Say anything,’ the barber said. ‘All you need to do is talk.’

  His opening sally, no doubt. An executioner would want to extract as much as he could from a man before summoning him to the chair. His beady eyes kept lighting up, and going dark again, the better to hide his blade.

  ‘Are you still writing novels, for example? Talk about that.’

  ‘I am still writing novels,’ I said, in as dry a voice as I could muster. I looked up to examine the sketch he’d pinned to the wall: a giant dove, executed in charcoal. Cigarette smoke had yellowed it somewhat, and its edges were beginning to curl.

  ‘What’s it called?’

  Our eyes met in the mirror.

  ‘If you mean my novel,’ I said, my voice sounding so distant, ‘I don’t yet know.’

  The dungeon beads stopped clicking. The barber set down his brush. He gazed out into the street. The blades flashed in his little eyes again, but he was already somewhere else. He was flying through the avenues of the city, to a place far away on the other side of the mountains. Perhaps he’d left something of himself behind in that place: something that he couldn’t take with him. Perhaps there was a village somewhere out there with a barber’s shop just like this one, and a man dressed like a barber who turned his head now and again, to look this way.

  2

  Then he turned his eyes to the muhtar, who was crossing the village square. The two men waved at each other, as if from a great distance.

  ‘You’re one of us now,’ muttered the muhtar, continuing on his way. He allowed himself a smile. It carried him right home, this smile, lightening his spirit and helping him forget how much the election had depleted his reserves. His wife was sprinkling olives on a lettuce salad as he passed through the gate to his courtyard.

  She kept her arm raised as she asked, ‘Did you win?’

  The muhtar raised his hat and tossed it towards the door. ‘I won,’ he said. ‘Once again, I’m the muhtar!’

  He bounded up the stairs to the roof, settling himself cross-legged before the chimney stack. On the tray before him was a stewed chicken, its legs upraised, a saltcellar, a few sheets of yufka cut into quarters and a bottle of rakı. This was his victory feast; he had it prepared for him once every four years. Each time he took a bite, he narrowed his gaze, first looking out at the cliffs and the dark earthen rooftops of the village in their shadow, and then wetting his moustache with rakı. His moustache had yet to assume the authority that was its due; with every year, there was more white in it.

  It occurred to the muhtar that there was no village further from the State than this one, and no village further from God. Each time he lifted his glass, he peered into the night and the cliffs buried inside it, longing to see all that they hid from him: the mountain peaks, the far side of that forest, those plateaux and pastures. Then he’d turn to look out at the horizon, at the plains beyond reach. What would it take, he wondered, for God to notice them, for the State to turn its head just once, and register their existence? The very notion made the muhtar want to laugh. He might as well ask himself what it would take to knock down these mountains. But that was blasphemy! He repented at once, mumbling the names of everyone from the trader to the smith, from the wrestler to the doctor. There was, perhaps, no need for him to drink this much; the State did not wait for invitations. Today or tomorrow, it could sweep in to wrest away these plains. It would raise a flag outside the muhtar’s office, proclaiming its existence. This sudden miracle would surprise the old-timers, no doubt: from childhood they had been hearing about those irrigation canals that had been promised them; for a lifetime, they had been spreading this news. They had even, on the eve of an election, claimed that some men from the National Assembly had come to the plain to argue about which way the canals should go – that they’d used their ropes and spades and measured out the routes. Though in fact, no one from the village had seen anyone out there on the plain. They couldn’t have done; by the time they’d walked down the dozens of roads to reach these men, they’d have been halfway back to the capital.

  The muhtar downed what was left in h
is glass. He stroked his moustache. He was cold; and yet again almost out of breath. He did up his jacket and for a time he tried to shrink himself inside it, until a button came undone and he had to straighten himself out.

  Then he found himself with his wife, in his son’s arms, at the top of the stairs. His wife was saying nothing, but his son was shaking his head and muttering under his breath. What he said made no sense to the muhtar, who kept turning around to stare into his son’s face. Even this was beyond him when they began the descent; whenever his head lolled forward, he could hardly breathe. He was approaching his bed when, with a great roar, he began to vomit. Tomato slices came surging up. Ragged lettuce leaves hung from his mouth. His eyes bulged like a bull’s; with one hand he cradled his stomach, while with the other he grasped at thin air. His head hit the pillow, and he took a deep breath. How long had he been up there on the roof, drinking rakı? All night long, probably.

  ‘Today you are not to wake me until evening,’ he said.

  3

  The barber was still at his window, watching the village square. His eyes glinted like executioners’ blades.

  Since arriving in this place, he had not said a word, apart from the few that were absolutely necessary. Had he wished to speak, he’d not have known what to say, for he could recall nothing of his past. He knew only that he’d travelled a great distance, a very great distance. But he had no memory of the place he had left, and neither did he know if it had been his intention to come to this village, or what roads he had travelled, with what purpose. In his mind he had dreamed up a hundred possible answers, and killed each one off. ‘Maybe I lived in a city,’ he had said to himself one day. ‘In a house with a balcony, for instance, overlooking a garden. With a wife, the sort you might see in a dream. And children. And a shop, of course, if I’m a barber. On a busy street, on the corner. And customers: some young, some old, some who wouldn’t stop talking, others who wouldn’t say a word . . . I had my problems. And also, my customers’ problems. There were things I couldn’t buy, things I couldn’t sell, things I couldn’t do or say, and places I couldn’t go . . .’

  Had he had enough of all that? Had he prised himself from the city’s grasp and fled to the mountains? Had the barber thrown the tools of his trade into a suitcase and set out into the darkness, to wander lost through the enchanted night? What mountains had he crossed, and what plains? Had he somehow known that Cıngıl Nuri, the village’s only barber, had chosen that moment to abandon his profession, and come down from the mountains to plant himself in front of the muhtar’s office?

  Not one of these questions could he answer.

  For all he knew, he could still be living in a city. He could be in his shop at this very moment, with his back to the soaps and creams, looking through the window, watching the street. Unless his eyes had already taken him off to the back of beyond, to a place so far away that even the customer with the goatee had never seen it.

  4

  When the muhtar opened his eyes the next morning, he found his wife leaning over him. ‘Get up,’ she said. ‘Get up. Reşit wants to see you.’

  It felt like a dream; a brown cat with a long tail was circling his wife’s feet. Its eyes were two wells of fire.

  ‘Tell him to wait,’ said the muhtar, ‘I’m on my way.’

  He looked again at the cat’s eyes. He had seen these eyes before, burning like embers, down to the last detail. But when? He sat up, clutching his forehead. No answer came to him. His wife and the cat headed for the door, while he sat there, watching them go. For a long time, he just sat there, rubbing his moustache, as if to rid it of his aniseed breath.

  Then suddenly it came to him. He remembered when he had seen a cat’s eyes burn like embers. The day after he had first been elected muhtar, sixteen years ago, he had again opened his eyes to see his wife. He couldn’t even have said it was his wife, in fact, for he’d seen nothing more than a slow fading shadow, leaning over the bed and saying, ‘Get up.’ In exactly the same way as his wife had done, only a moment ago. ‘Get up. Cıngıl Nuri’s wife wants to see you.’

  That day, the muhtar hadn’t told her to wait; eager to take on his first duty, he’d jumped out of bed and into his clothes. Bounding through the door, he had gone straight across the yard to take Cıngıl Nuri’s wife by the hands. The three children she had brought with her had looked up at him in fear. At first, the muhtar had been surprised; he hadn’t known where to put his hands or where to leave them. Then, thinking that a muhtar should be the last person in a village to be taken by surprise, he hid himself inside a cloud of cigarette smoke and gave the children a smile.

  The woman’s eyes were two fountains, her hair flew wild and she had beaten her knees until they were sighing with pain. She told him that her husband had left the house saying that he needed room to breathe, lest his soul vanish from the face of the earth. He had never come back. As their mother spoke, the children had lined themselves up next to her, like a string of prayer beads. ‘They’re looking for the head bead,’ the muhtar had said.

  Then the woman had described what her husband had eaten the previous day, what he had talked about, how he had looked at the birds in the sky when he was walking home from his shop, why he had slapped his little girl on his way into the house, and what shirt he had been wearing when he’d sighed and said he needed room to breathe; then she’d asked where he could have gone, if he could have been murdered and thrown into a creek, if he was now food for the vultures, or if he had fallen from the cliffs, or gone to visit the forty saints.

  The muhtar had listened to her calmly, gauging her every word as confidently as if he’d been muhtar for a thousand years. All this while, he’d kept himself safe inside the clouds of smoke rising from the cigarettes he was chain-smoking. Refusing to believe that a man could be lost to anything but the grave, one villager had insisted that it was just not possible: a man could not just vanish. Without a doubt, Cıngıl Nuri had gone off somewhere; probably, he was on a bender. He’d passed out and would come back soon – if not right away, then certainly by lunchtime. And then he would open up his doors once again, to begin shaving the men of the village. Later that day, the muhtar had climbed up on to his roof and wandered amongst the piles of dried dung, imagining that he could see Nuri atop the cliffs that rang with eagles’ cries, or on the far side of the mournful yellow plain that seemed to grow before his eyes. Going back down, he’d patted a calf’s forehead for no reason whatsoever, and later still, on his way to visit Cıngıl Nuri’s wife, he’d again let his mind wander: if he were Nuri, and his soul had been reduced to the point of a pin, where might he have gone, leaving behind a wife and three children? The very thought undid him, until there was nothing left inside him but a vast empty space. For forty-two years now, he had bound his eyes, his ears, and even his skin to the spirits of these stones, this soil, this village – to its barking dogs, and stinking dung, and the sharp wind whipping against its grass. And at that moment he’d understood that he’d never go anywhere, even if he wished it. With that, he’d given up on being Nuri. He’d returned to his own body, reclaiming his wrinkled eyes and his tired, lined countenance at just the same moment he’d come face to face with Nuri’s wife.

  ‘Where do you think he could have gone?’

  The woman had gazed up into the sky for a very long time, apparently relaying the muhtar’s question to God, but she’d received no response, or if she did, she’d not understood it. The look on her face had stayed with him; in the years that followed, he had come to believe that he could see in every woman’s eyes a void left by men who’d gone missing. He’d look into the eyes of every girl whose breasts had grown to the size of halved apples and, seeing that same void, wondered if it was an absence they all carried from the moment of birth.

  They searched everywhere for Nuri that day, asked everyone, without finding a single clue. It was almost as if the man had never existed – as if no one of his name had been the village barber for years on end. Already no one co
uld remember his face; no one could say what kind of nose he’d had, or even if he’d eyes to see with, or a mouth for food and drink. His shop was the only evidence of his ever having existed; even that was under a thickening blanket of dust. There was nothing, nothing at all, to see through the window. The scissors and razors had vanished, the towels and mirrors were nowhere to be seen. Gone, too, was the scent of soap and cologne, except in the minds of those who could remember them.

  In those days there were a number of thick-lipped gypsy women who’d go from door to door selling their wares, and when they strapped their bags on their backs and left for neighbouring villages, they carried the news of Nuri’s disappearance with them. There was someone who’d said, ‘If anyone can find him, they will.’ Who this person was, no one could remember. It could have been one of the villagers, or it could have been one of the gypsies. It could have been someone else, someone no one had ever seen or met. It could have been a man with a hairy mole who looked into the far distance, as if his soul were elsewhere. While according to the women it had been a woman, and who had said anything about looking into the far distance? This woman had looked down at the floor, and said, ‘If Nuri can be found, it will be the gypsy women who’ll find him.’

  So the next time the gypsies’ horse-carts rolled back in, the village rose up in hope, racing out to the black tents they’d pitched in the pastures just outside. The women conversed in whispers, beyond the range of the gypsy men with their jaunty hats and great moustaches, until the men of the village took the gypsies off, if not to the coffeehouse, then to their courtyards, to drink the hard stuff. Much wine was drunk in the days that followed, many red-combed cocks lost their lives, and countless henna-stained lambs were roasted. The gypsies’ moustaches grew fast and faster, until, after a few days, they were as twisted as the horns of a ram. The swarthy thick-lipped women left their tents to wander through the village, visiting first its streets and its yards, and then its houses, its kitchens, and the shadows of its dowry chests. But still, there was no news from them of Nuri.